I just want to be normal

Pre- Op!
they say to write everything down so that you can look bk in years to come and see how far you have come. they say that if you write down your emotions it will get easier. they say that if you don’t sort your life out, your going to die… ye in my head i wanted to stop and do what i needed to do to get myself on track but then my stomach says different, with a mind of its own starts shouting out for food and by that time you already have the food in your hand before you could say no,  its like another person is suddenly there  changing my mind for me! . i do feel like 2 people. the happy person who wants to do well in life, be fit and healthy who has a dream job that has loads of friends and another person, who has a few friends, who works in a supermarket, who is a fat disgusting slob, who doesn’t leave the house unless its for work. Has nothing overly to life for.
 Taking a step bk and you realise there is not 2 people, there is only one,  one is the real me and the other is the person i want to become. somehow that person who i want to be isn’t strong enough to get through yet.
must sound like I’m talking in riddles, i might as well say it out load. I am Obese, i have no confidence! which means I’m stuck in a loop hole. But finally ive done something about it so here is my story so far!!

So about 2 years ago i finally had enough and went to the doctor for help. i had explained that i had loads of diets, i had done the pills. nothing was working and i was stuck in a horrible place and needed help badly. The doctor advised me that the only thing next would be to look into having something like a gastric band, which was a shock at first, i had always thought that if i had this done i would be that unlucky one that puts the wait bk on, to loose the amount of weight it says i would loose, sounded to me like a miracle but never the less i was willing to give e anything ago.!

There began the beginning of my possible big change! i was referred to St Thomas’s Hospital and Guy’s hospital where i went for various tests over the year and discovered that i had diabetes and sleep apnea which made the big shinny dream feel like a massive workout. From these results and being away at uni at the time, i developed depression. tablets and concealing, eventually got me back on track and got me back to grips that there was hope, even for me!

I was ready for my big massive change! and i wanted it to come soon!